A Childs Reactions to Separation at Different Ages
Age 0-2
Typical Characteristics
Infants are dependant on parents for meeting their needs
They develop a sense of trust through having a predictable and consistent caregiver
Separation Issues
Infants may feel the loss of contact with a primary caretaking parent
Loss of familiar and comfortable environment
Do not understand conflict, but may react to changes in the parent's energy level and mood.
How They Might Show Their Stress
Difficulty toileting or sleeping
Slowing down in learning new skills
Afraid to leave parent; clingy with a parent
General crankiness, temper tantrums, crying
More fretful or anxious
Suggestions for parents
Attempt to allow both parents to bond with an infant
Meet an infant's needs promptly and consistently
Try not to separate the infant from his or her primary caregiver for extended periods
18 month to 2-year-old children can tolerate longer separations from their primary caregiver than infants, especially if an older sister or brother will be with them.
Prepare the child for the break by explaining what will happen
2-4 years
Typical Characteristics
Growth of a sense of independence
Can keep the absent parent in mind to comfort themselves for extended periods
Verbal skills develop for expression of feelings and needs
Separation Issues
May have a sense of responsibility for the separation
Are anxious about basic needs – food, shelter, visitation
Understands that a parent has moved, but doesn't understand why.
May fantasize about reuniting parents.
How They Might Show Their Stress
Regression – returning to security blankets, old toys, lapses in toilet training
Making up fantasy stories
Anxious at bedtime, sleeping fitfully, waking frequently
Fear of being abandoned by both parents
Emotionally needy, seeking physical contact
More irritable, aggressive, has temper tantrums
Suggestions for parents
Reassure your preschooler by telling them you love them and cuddling them
Allow some regression
Keep routines consistent
Explain what is going to happen to the child and role-play future events
The child will adapt to more extended separation from one parent through frequent visits and overnights with the other parent
Spend time alone with the child (cuddle, read)
Give child time with another responsive adult (grandparent, close friend)
5-8 years
Typical Characteristics
Are developing peer and community relationships
Moral development progresses
Separation Issues
See the separation as their problem
May cling to fantasies that their parents will reunite
Fear abandonment and will long for the absent parent regardless of the quality of the previous relationship
Realizes that one parent is not as active or available for them
How They Might Show Their Stress
General sadness, feeling abandoned and rejected
Crying and sobbing
Fantasizing about parents' reconciliation
Conflicts of loyalty; feels torn apart; problems with impulsive behaviour
May hold anger inside
May have more nightmares
May become aggressive and angry toward parent he/she lives with
Suggestions for parents
Try to have each parent spend as much time with the child as possible
Allow the child to express his feelings
Help the child understand that the decision to separate had nothing to do with him or her
Encourage the child to draw pictures about their feelings and explain the story and what it means to him/her.
Encourage your child to talk
Allow other parent/carers to maintain a regular presence in a child's life
9-12 years
Typical Characteristics
Children of this age are developing an increased awareness of self, evaluating their strengths and weaknesses compared to others. Pre-adolescents are working at fitting into the peer-level social order
Separation Issues
Although they see the separation as the parents' problem, they are often angry about the parents' inability to work the problems out
Likely to take sides, siding against the parent they think wanted the separation
How They Might Show Their Stress
Intense anger at parent blamed for causing the separation
Physical complaints like headaches and stomach aches
Become overactive to avoid thinking about the separation
Feel ashamed of what's happening in the family and different from other kids
Tries to recreate "what was"
Suggestions for parents
Parents need to try to remain involved and honest and to avoid blaming each other
Pre-adolescents can spend holidays with either parent
Children should be allowed to contact the other parent
Maintain a consistent routine
Inform the child of what is happening and what will occur
Keep teachers informed of any stress the child is feeling and get help for school problems
Permit children to continue loving both parents
13-18 years
Typical Characteristics
Teens are solidifying their identity and establishing a sense of self concerning the rules and regulations of society
Embarrassment about family
Separation Issues
Possible de-idealization of one or both parents
Will place peer needs ahead of family and therefore may not want to visit with the non-custodial parent
Understand but doesn't accept the separation
How They Might Show Their Stress
Withdraw from family life and spend more time with peers
Feel hurried to become independent
Engage in 'trying out' behaviour such as sexual acting out, drinking, or drug experimentation
Worry about their future loves and marriage
Chronic fatigue and difficulty concentrating
Can feel rejected by the parent who has left
Tries to cut one or both parents out of their life
May try to adopt a carer role for one or both parents
Feels that he/she will never have a long-term relationship
Suggestions for parents
Be consistent about discipline and limits while allowing for typical adolescent behaviour
Allow more freedom and choices
Please find time to be with the teen and be flexible with their schedules
Give teens input about the visitation schedule, but don't burden them with the responsibility of deciding on the visitation schedule
Remind child who "owns" the problem, and free them from guilt
Don't involve your child in parental struggles
Please don't use the child as a replacement partner (don't discuss adult problems with him/her